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Jake
10-17-2007, 04:49 PM
Hey guys, I've been working on a paper for english that compares and contrasts SFMM and DLR. I'm not liking how it's turning out so far, but if you guys could give me some help I would appreciate it.


Clash of the Titans


The Disneyland Resort and Six Flags Magic Mountain are known as the theme park titans of the Southern California area. Both parks have something different to offer to its’ guests. Disneyland offers family friendly fun, and the chance to interact with your favorite Disney characters. Six Flags Magic Mountain gives you the opportunity to experience some of the highest adrenaline, blood pumping, and white-knuckle thrill machines in the world. Each destination gives you a different high quality experience that appeals to different markets. Which titan will take the crown as the number one theme park in Southern California? You decide.

Although both amusement parks look very different on the surface there are many similarities between the two. Both destinations offer a variety of world-class attractions that cannot be found anywhere else. Whether you are experiencing inter-galactic space travel on Space Mountain or if you have a white-knuckle grip on X, there are stellar attractions in each amusement park. This is not the only thing the mega-parks have in common. Disneyland and Magic Mountain offer experiences you can’t get anywhere else in the world. Disneyland gives you the chance to interact with your favorite Disney characters, and even draw them with the advice of a Walt Disney artist. Magic Mountain offers the second largest collection of coasters on the planet. With coasters like: X, Tatsu, Goliath and Superman the Escape dominating the skyline, it’s a one of a kind experience you can’t get anywhere else.

However, as to be expected both parks have their flaws. Magic Mountain has been criticized for their rude employees. An example of Magic Mountains’ not-so friendly employees is Danny Everett. Everett had allowed family members to cut in line for the Colossus roller coaster when he was pulled out of line by a couple of security guards. They told him that he had broken Magic Mountain policy by cutting and line and told him he needed to leave the park. However it didn’t end there. The employees chained him to a bench for two hours after abusing him outside the line. (Bronstad) This is just one of many incidents that occurred at the Valencia amusement park. The food can be seen as not only expensive, but also very low quality as well. Another one of the mega-parks flaws lie in the rides that made it a thrill seekers haven. The park has very few rides that the whole family can enjoy, and even then many of the rides are not operating on a day-to-day basis. Six Flags Magic Mountain has become known for their lousy ride operations, and the up time of many of their rides. A prime example of this fact is Flashback; a coaster that has been standing but not operating for four long years. The thrill rides have made it a destination for teenagers, but now families rarely if ever visit the mega-park. The rowdy teen atmosphere has turned off many families that would otherwise enjoy the park. Magic Mountain has also been seen as dirty and not kept up very well, with dirty food tables and litter strewn about the lines; Magic Mountain has earned a reputation as a filthy park. Some would complain that the few rules that the park has, are rarely enforced. Rules such as line jumping, and using only the designated smoking areas are rarely enforced to any extent.

Magic Mountain is not the only park with serious flaws. The Disneyland Resort has a few problems of its own. Whilst some may complain about the guests at a Six Flags park, many would do the same when it comes to the guests of the Disneyland Resort. Little kids and “soccer-moms” are taken just as bad by one group as teenagers at Magic Mountain are to another. Not only does Disneyland appeal to families it attracts A LOT of them. One of the largest “problems” with the Magic Kingdom lies with the amount of guests that it attracts every day. Sometimes having to close the gates to the park due to it filling to capacity, a trip to the park may go down the tubes due to crowds. With large crowds comes long lines, and long lines can turn good days into bad days. Stuck in seemingly endless queues with thousands of other hot, smelly people is not an ideal situation for any family. Some rides may not make sense to families who have not seen the movie that it was based on. Rides like Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Eye may not make sense to those who have never seen the epic movies. All of these thrilling rides and great shows come with a huge price tag, with the average family spending over $400 just to enter the park! This coupled with expensive food can make a day at Disneyland an expensive affair. After spending an exorbitant amount on entering the park people tend to expect the best, period. But with such high expectations disappointment is almost sure to follow.

However, Disneyland counters these failings with many great attractions. It has rides that the whole family can enjoy as compared to Magic Mountains “go big or go home” policy. Not only are these rides for everyone, they are also of a higher quality than you would see at your typical Six Flags Park. While the lines may be long for their premier attractions, they also have many attractions that don’t require waiting in lines. Attractions like Pirates Lair allow you to run around on a hidden Pirates island. You have a large selection in food; including “fancy” food if you desire to pay the extra cash for it. Disneyland also features many kids’ areas that the whole family can experience together, however they have very little that appeals to the teen crowd of today. Of course a great theme park requires more than thrilling attractions. The employees of Disneyland are some of the greatest theme park employees on the planet. Never grumpy or grouchy, they are eager to assist you in any way they possibly can. Unlike the employees that may be found at Magic Mountain Disneyland’s dubbed “cast members” really care about the quality of your day in the park. (Disneyland par. 6)

Magic Mountain also features some great attractions to offset their failings. Their great coaster lineup speaks for itself, featuring many world records including the following. X is the first fourth dimensional coaster, one of only two in the world. Tatsu is the tallest, longest and fastest flying roller coaster and Superman: the Escape was the first coaster to break the 100 miles-per-hour barrier. (RollerCoasterDatabase) The terrain of the park makes a scenic setting for some of their coasters, especially rides like Tatsu that interact heavily with the terrain. Magic Mountain also manages to build a new ride seemingly every year, whether this is a good business move or not is yet to be seen. But it has made them popular with the teens in the area. The park has this to say about it’s extreme roller coasters. “We're talking serious thrills at Magic Mountain. Starting with 15 wild coasters, including the world's tallest, fastest and longest flying coaster, Tatsu.” (Six Flags Magic Mountain par. 1)

Both parks offer something different to the Southern California market. Six Flags Magic Mountain gives you the chance to ride some of the biggest and baddest steel machines on the planet. Disneyland lets you experience your favorite movies in the form of rides, shows and meeting your favorite Disney character. The two theme park titans will clash, but only one will come out on top in the end.


Lemme know what you guys think!

-Jake

Tom
10-17-2007, 05:05 PM
Punctuation is where I noticed most problems personally. You should also mention how DLR food isn't alway that great and is even more expensive. Possibly bring up how management at SFMM is trying to get families back desperately by axing coasters and having characters show up again.

R.C.
10-17-2007, 05:06 PM
I didn't even bother to read the whole thing. I only made it through the introduction and I barely got through that. Your introduction needs to be spiced up a little bit. Here's an example:

Imagine being transported to another world where storys come to life, and death defying stunts are a common thing. How does a person get to this other world, simply by entering the gates of one of Southern California's many amusement parks. There are two major amusement parks in Southern California, the Disneyland Resort and Six Flags Magic Mountain. Both of these parks are known as the theme park titans of the Southern California area. Both parks have something different to offer to its’ guests. Disneyland offers family friendly fun, and the chance to interact with your favorite Disney characters. Six Flags Magic Mountain gives you the opportunity to experience some of the highest adrenaline, blood pumping, and white-knuckle thrill machines in the world. Each destination gives you a different high quality experience that appeals to different markets. Which titan will take the crown as the number one theme park in Southern California? You decide.

Basically, you need to catch the readers attention before you start comparing the two parks you are going to use. *I would rather you not use exactly what I came up with, but you should use your words to say basically what I did. Please don't just copy and paste what I wrote.

Jake
10-17-2007, 05:10 PM
Thanks guys, I may just axe the whole thing and start again at this point.

^ I have no intention to plagiarize your writing, but thanks for the help.

R.C.
10-17-2007, 05:14 PM
I don't think you need to "axe the whole thing." You have a good start, you just need to fine tune a few things.

I figured you weren't planning to plagarize me, I just wanted to include that to make sure you weren't going to.

Jake
10-17-2007, 05:36 PM
The introduction has always been one of my weakest points, I know. Here's an updates introduction, is it better, worse? Eh?

"The Southern California area boasts several major amusement parks. However none can compare to the titans of the Southern California market. In one of these theme parks you are transported into a world of magic and adventure. The other gives you a ride on the wild side, with some of the greatest scream machines on the planet. Disneyland and Six Flags Magic Mountain are known as the theme park titans of Southern California. Whether you fancy taking a trip on a rocket ship throughout the outer reaches of space. Or braving the longest, tallest and fastest flying coaster on the planet, these two amusement parks have them all. Which titan will take the crown as the number one theme park in Southern California? You decide."

Michael
10-17-2007, 05:37 PM
Besides the "you decide" at the end, it was much much better. it got my attention, yet it was professional. Very well done :)

jolash
10-17-2007, 05:45 PM
You should not use the word "you" in a paper like this. That's one major thing I noticed. Never use the word "you" in formal writing.

supremescreamer
10-17-2007, 06:59 PM
Six Flags is not a theme park.

Jake
10-17-2007, 07:06 PM
^^ I noticed that as well, and it has been revised.

^ As far as the general public is concerned, it is.

Zonga
10-17-2007, 07:20 PM
Even though it is lacking heavy themeing, Magic Mountain is a theme park. Samurai Summit, Baja Ridge, High Sierra Territory, Gotham City Backlot, etc.

jolash
10-17-2007, 09:31 PM
^Then CP is a theme park. Frontier Town, Frontier Trail, Oceana Midway, TTD.

MM is an amusement park, not theme.

Jake
10-17-2007, 09:45 PM
Theme park - amusement park, pretty much the same thing guys.

If you want to argue about this, please do so somewhere else.

MaverickManJZ
10-17-2007, 09:48 PM
SFMM and DL are soooo different.

F

Jake
10-17-2007, 09:49 PM
Which is why I'm comparing them...duh.

zburns999
10-17-2007, 10:08 PM
You should not use the word "you" in a paper like this. That's one major thing I noticed. Never use the word "you" in formal writing.

That's one of those rules they make up to scare kids in elementary school, sort of like the one where you can't start a sentence with "and or but." It all depends on your style, and in this case, I think the "you decide," is pretty catchy, albeit a bit cliche.

I don't know. I've been writing seriously for almost two years and I've come to accept that a good intro to a topic is like a good joke. All the pieces have to fit together, each sentence a parallel to the one before it--then, at the last second, you've got to catch your reader off-guard with something memorable (humor works more often than other techniques). Anyway, you've got a really fun topic to work with. Good luck with it.

thedeadfrog
10-17-2007, 10:14 PM
2nd person writing.
And hell for a sophmore(?) paper. Isn't 7 paragraphs a bit much?

jolash
10-17-2007, 10:15 PM
I don't see why "you" can't be applied here and there. But, if this is for a grade, you're probably going to get marked down for using "you". It all depends on the type of writing.

EDIT: ^Exactly. Papers like this should always be written in 3rd person; rarely ever will you use 2nd person.

Jake
10-17-2007, 10:57 PM
^As I already said I removed and or fixed most forms of "you, because my professor will mark me down for that.

^^This is a college paper, and it needs to be anywhere from three to five pages.. Sooo yup.

^^^ Thanks for your help, it's appreciated.

Michael
10-17-2007, 11:03 PM
^ no offense, but typical college papers are 4-5 pages long :p

Jake
10-17-2007, 11:04 PM
^ Erm, this paper can be anywhere from three to five pages, so I honestly don't give a crap what you think the length should be.

Besides the paper is already into the five page mark, so do the world a favor and shut the hell up when you have nothing intelligent to add to a discussion.

Michael
10-17-2007, 11:12 PM
^ lol, I never said it had to be, just a comment.

Plus this is a cool topic, I did a similar paper last year about theme parks vs. amusement parks, also an interesting topic :)

thedeadfrog
10-18-2007, 02:01 AM
Sorry I saw this "Age: 15" and assumed you were a sophmore...

Jake
10-18-2007, 10:46 AM
No big deal, I should have clarified that this is for a college course.

Mike T
10-18-2007, 01:28 PM
I've got some good ideas for you. Hit me up on aim and we can work through it, maybe spruce some things up a bit...

Jake
11-02-2007, 02:47 PM
So I just got back my final draft and got 47/50, woot.

I've uploaded the paper to AmusementCast (It was too big to attatch to this post) for those of you interested in reading it. I'd like to thank Mike, Ryan and Jahan for their help :).

Click me. (http://www.amusementcast.com/jake/Clash of the Titans2.doc)